Hold Me Tight: 7 Conversations for a Lifetime of Love - Book Review

Hold Me Tight is the best book I have ever read on couples therapy because unlike a lot of other books, it makes sense and it works. Sue Johnson is an Ottawa-based professor and relationship therapist who noticed that traditional therapies often didn’t work. Instead of persevering with the old ways or blaming herself, she went back to the drawing board and came up with a new model.

When I was studying therapy I remember my teachers telling me that couples therapy was by far the most challenging kind of therapy—not for the faint of heart. Of course it’ll never be a cakewalk, but I think Sue Johnson has revolutionized the field by articulating clear and definite steps to healing broken relationships.


Johnson went back to the books and revisited Attachment Theory, pioneered by John Bowlby in the 1940’s. Most therapists assumed his theory was peculiar to parents and children since that’s what his studies were based on. Johnson’s stroke of genius was to realize that Bowlby’s theory underpins all relationships. Understanding relationships from a new angle gave Johnson a valuable and useful way of understanding how they function and how they break down.

Being on the clinical side gave Johnson the tools to articulate a theory and a way to test it. Also being a therapist she took her theory into the field and tested it on real couples having real attachment problems. Before long Johnson understood the hidden language behind disputes and began to teach couples how to have conversations with one another.

The result is this fine book that is part theory, part teaching tool and part self help book. Anyone can read it and get a very good idea of how to improve their relationship or teach couples how to talk to one another in a way that heals instead of inflames. Hold Me Tight is nicely organized around seven types of conversations that couples can have that will build trust and attachment between them. Couples can use this book as a guide to learn how to talk to one another and by mastering the steps. Beyond couples, parents and children and friends will find knowing how to have these conversations useful to maintaining the health of their relationships.

If you prefer to learn Hold Me Tight conversations experientially, Sue Johnson teaches her methodology to therapists and certifies them. There are now hundreds of therapists in North America who are trained to help couples learn how to talk and listen to each other. You can find a certified therapist or a training program near you at Hold Met Tight. I learned a lot from this book that I will put into practice with all my relationships. This is a book that everyone will benefit from reading.

Getting Ready for Winter

Squirrels always remind me of storing up reserves to get through the winter. I admire their curiosity and their industry. Now that it's colder and there is less to do around the house, I have been spending my time reading and going for long walks. This month I have reviews of a couple of the books I thought might be of interest to clients and those interested in self growth. You can read them below. I am currently reading Finding Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi and What you can change... and What you Can't, by Martin Seligman (the founder of positive psychology). I hope this newsletter finds you in flow and energized.

Bradley Foster

Resilience

My colleague, coach Ruth Garret PhD has produced a clearly written, fun and engaging eBook on resilience. She nicely straddles the gap between a well-researched scholarly book, referencing all the current studies and motivational and inspirational self help.

Topics are neatly broken down into easily understood, informative chapters and illustrated with wonderful anecdotes and metaphors. I would recommend this eBook to my clients. It’s available from Ruth’s website: http://www.icoachingandmediation.com. So, are you a carrot, an egg or a bean?

A Master Class in Gremlin Taming - Book Review

Book Review:

A Master Class in Gremlin Taming: The Absolutely Indispensable Next Step for Freeing Yourself from the Monster of the Mind

Rick Carson, Collins, 2008

By Bradley Foster – Giant Steps Coaching

One of the joys of being a coach is reading books that help me become a better coach and have the added advantage of helping me as a person. Rick Carson’s book is one of these volumes that has a two fold advantage and it was a pleasure to read on both levels. Reading it gave me useful tools that I can use to help clients and it gave me useful reminders that I can put into practice each day.

Rick Carson’s Taming your Gremlin is a classic book of self-development, written over 25 years ago. It has helped hundreds of thousands quiet negative voices in their heads that hold them back. Although Rick has revised the original work, his Master Class goes deeper with new techniques for freeing yourself from the “Monster of the Mind”. Rather than focusing on what’s going on in our heads, the Master Class is more focused on being genuine with ourselves and responsible in our relationships. His writing couldn’t be more clear, his techniques more elegant, practical and effective for achieving intimacy with yourself and others in your life. Time and time he reminds us to focus our awareness and being aware of our breath. So let’s take this one breath at a time.

One of Rick’s techniques of interpersonal communication is called Peeling the Onion. If you follow his system, even in conflictual situations, you will reach a deeper level of understanding and communication with your partner.

Quite simply, the system is:

Simply Notice

Describe

Hush

Breathe

Listen

Or as he playfully refers to it: SNDHBL. It’s hard to describe how powerful this system is when communicating with others. Simply noticing refers to what is true for you in the moment rather than what you are thinking which tends to be more about what was or the way you would like things to be. This is the authenticity about yourself that is so important to describe to your partner. It takes a lot of practice to get this down. Having said what you notice, hush, breathe and listen creates a space for your partner to reciprocate. Beautiful. Simple. Elegant.

If you haven’t read Taming your Gremlin, you will find this book gives you enough of a review of the basic principles so you won’t feel like you are missing something. His chapter on hypnotic preconceptions is especially good. I love the way he talks about beliefs, “remember, beliefs, even the noblest of them are just opinions you have developed loyalty to.” Hypnotic preconceptions are how we have figured out how the world works. It’s our stories, our beliefs and they are almost always wrong. Our beliefs keep us from being genuine, of living a heart-felt existence and gets in the way of intimacy with those closest to us. This book is a guide to showing you how to develop greater intimacy.

Rick’s book reminds me how simple effective, genuine communication can be when we can get out of the way. It’s all about being heart-centered rather than being in your head where gremlins and hypnotic preconceptions hold sway. Rick provides an elegant methodology to living a responsible, authentic and self aware life.