Book Review: Being Genuine

Thomas D’Ansembourg, Puddle Dancer Press, 2007

 (review originally published Feb. 2009)

Being Genuine is simply stated, one of the best books I have read all year. It very clearly and effectively conveys a process for communicating with others in a genuine and non-judgmental way. Thomas D’Ansembourg is a student of Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication Process but rather than simply restating Rosenberg’s principles, he enhances and adds a new dimension to non-violent communication based on his experience as a psychotherapist and youth counselor. Anyone who learns and practices his four simple steps will quickly discover that their everyday communication becomes clearer, less judgmental and less conflictual because they are taking responsibility for their feelings and actions and creating a space to connect. I have never come across an easier way to show people how they can get their needs met without fear of conflict.

Originally published in France in 2001, the English translation has only recently been published in North America. As D’Ansembourg cares deeply about the language he uses, the book is beautifully and elegantly written, a joy to read with a terrific translation. He wears several hats at appropriate times in the book. As a psychotherapist he delves into the psychology of why and how we become disassociated from ourselves. Being nice is a function of neglecting our needs, of not listening to ourselves so we can fulfill the needs of others. As a philosopher, D’Ansembourg examine larger theoretical issues of the individual in society and the meaning and value we place on language. As a coach, he is gentle and thoughtful but persistent as he guides us through our confusion and anxiety with practical, easy to follow steps and appropriate actions.

As one who reads a lot of self help books (and contributed to the genre) I am happy to say that this book is a cut above the rest. The principles he outlines are so basic and so crucial to good communication, every child should be taught them at an early age. He makes the point that if a fraction of military budgets were devoted to teaching communication skills, there would be fewer conflicts and less crimes of aggression. So go our priorities. The basic problem is more of us are taught to ‘be nice’ rather than to be genuine. The result is that we grow up servicing the needs of others and even when we know something is wrong, we lack the language and the skills to be our authentic selves. As a coach I see this “servicing” behavior all too often. Having a resource like Being Genuine makes my task of transforming clients easier.

I can best describe Being Genuine as a highly readable manual of authentic communication, full of examples, theory and genuine warmth. D’Ansembourg describes the four steps:

• Observation: We are reacting to something we observe, we hear, or we’re saying to ourselves
• Feeling: The above observation generates within us one or more feelings.
• Need: The feelings guide us to our needs.
• Request: Aware now of our needs, we can make a request or implement concrete action.

That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. The trick for the learner of being genuine is to break free of old beliefs and patterns but this can be done with a bit of awareness and some practice. D’Ansembourg believes that what passes today for communication is aggressive and violent. For instance when judgments and blame come up, it’s like slamming a door in the conversation. The receiver of this treatment usually responds defensively and often returns the blame and aggression. His method of communication is like opening a door and inviting your partner through it to come in and have a chat by the fire. But rather than waiting on them hand and foot, it’s about articulating your needs and feelings to help ensure that you get seen by the other. If their needs are not the same as yours then a compromise can be negotiated, but this is only possible when each side is aware of each other’s needs. 

Although his respectful techniques may be a bit too touchy-feely for the office bully, the spirit of his teaching can easily be adapted and integrated into a clearer awareness of how humans communicate or more likely, fail to communicate. I have integrated D’Ansembourg’s simple and effective techniques into my coaching with great success, especially for clients who have spent too much of their lives being nice at their own expense. I recommend this book to anyone who wants to learn how to communicate authentically or to any professional who is in the business of working with clients who can use a boost in the communication area, which in my experience is just about everyone.

Bradley Foster is an experienced Toronto-based life and executive coach with clients on three continents. He is the author of Deep Coaching: A Guide to Self Directed Living and regularly contributes articles and reviews to magazines and journals. He can be reached at bfoster@giantstepscoaching.com or you can visit his website at: www.giantstepscoaching.com.

Holiday Greetings

I would like to wish all my current and former clients and readers of my blog the best holiday wishes.

Thinking of New Year’s resolutions? It’s not too early to start assessing changes you would like to make. Have a look at my previous post about my Report Card.

For those of you who are curious, I persisted in making the changes and it’s going well. I feel much more engaged, challenged and social. Consequently I feel much more satisfied with my life. So here’s a challenge to you…consider how you spend your psychic energy each day. Are you investing it wisely to give you the maximum results? If not then it’s time to give yourself a report card. See you in the New Year! Just a reminder, I will be on holiday until January 12. Talk to you soon!

Time to Give Yourself a Report Card?

New Year’s eve is the time when most of us typically make resolutions to better our life. For the vast majority, resolutions last a couple days at best. There are no quick fixes. Looking over the year ahead we see the benefits of our resolutions. We see our health improved over the long term but by the time January 1 rolls around we have to deal with the short term pain of refusing another donut. I propose a more effective way of resolving the conundrum of short term pain versus long term gain. Give yourself a report card.

A report card is taking time to step back and look at the big picture of your life, your goals, habits and intentions. This takes objectivity and it might take some time to get good at it. Identify your goals first. Your goals should be general enough to deal with any changes in your life. For instance, rather than having the goal of keeping in touch with friends and family, broaden it to something like nurturing relationships. Make sure your list of goals is as comprehensive as possible.

Once you have your goals, write a list of all your habits under headings of good, bad and neutral. You can get a spouse or a friend to help you with this. If you are impartial you probably will begin to see clusters of habits. For instance many of my bad habits tend to cluster around isolating myself in colder weather. I tend to disengage and many of my bad habits revolve around doing things in seclusion. I spend more time on the Internet, I play too much Majong, I’m not as social as I would like, I don’t exercise as much, I tend to drink a little more, I tend to have less structure, I get less accomplished, I challenge myself less and generally mope around some days. This can lead to lower energy, feeling sad and empty. I see all these bad habits as connected, like a spider web. Losing one of these habits won’t effect the over all pattern, in fact changing just one habit would be extremely difficult.

I focus on my good habits as well. There is a lot I do well that I want to continue. Have a look at your list of bad habits. Are some of them are connected to each other? Now have a look at your goals. I have goals around maintaining my health, being social, challenging myself, nurturing relationships, supporting myself, learning and travel that my bad habits undermine. None of my bad habits support these goals. I gave these habits a poor grade because they reduce my quality of life. It’s not how I want to live. More importantly, these habits affect my mood and outlook. The result? There is a disconnect between my intentions and what I actually do. What we actually do is what determines our quality of life. It’s clear that way of living required a tune up.

After the shock wore off I came up with a plan of action. Looking at the web of habits from a holistic perspective I see that they circle around boredom and a lack of challenge. I realized if I could break the cycle I would free up time, feel better about myself, be more engaged, challenged and happier. So I wrote a new list of things I could fill my time up with that are in line with my goals. How many of us have a list of things we would love to do if we only had the time? I started writing them down and was surprised to see how long it was. Each item on the list engages one or several goals and gives me the opportunity to break my cycle of bad habits.

Since bad habits are usually well entrenched, how do we break the cycle? One thing I did was to create a new intention—to break out of isolation. To do that I had to plan my time better so I didn’t have so much time to drift into laziness and malaise. I circled some of the items on my to do list and began to fit them into my spare time. I looked into volunteering, downloaded the schedule for the local pool, called up some old friends, signed up for some workshops, and since one of my goals is to write more, I’m writing this post.

My report card was a wake up call for me. It’s not so much about using my time wisely or keeping myself busy, it’s about living the life I want to live. It’s about living with intention. The report card and what you do about it is where the rubber hits the road. I still need solitary time when I can read, write, reflect and even waste a bit of time browsing the Internet. I just do it with a little more intention and choice.

If I notice I am sliding into seclusion again, which may well happen from time to time, I will self correct. I’m hoping that I get momentum going that makes those bad habits difficult to practice. I already feel my mood shifting, I feel more engaged and even happier. Go easy on yourself. Habits take a long time to shift. If you notice yourself engaged in one, do a quick check in to see if there is something your would rather be doing. There is no point in waiting until December 31.