Hold Me Tight: 7 Conversations for a Lifetime of Love - Book Review

Hold Me Tight is the best book I have ever read on couples therapy because unlike a lot of other books, it makes sense and it works. Sue Johnson is an Ottawa-based professor and relationship therapist who noticed that traditional therapies often didn’t work. Instead of persevering with the old ways or blaming herself, she went back to the drawing board and came up with a new model.

When I was studying therapy I remember my teachers telling me that couples therapy was by far the most challenging kind of therapy—not for the faint of heart. Of course it’ll never be a cakewalk, but I think Sue Johnson has revolutionized the field by articulating clear and definite steps to healing broken relationships.


Johnson went back to the books and revisited Attachment Theory, pioneered by John Bowlby in the 1940’s. Most therapists assumed his theory was peculiar to parents and children since that’s what his studies were based on. Johnson’s stroke of genius was to realize that Bowlby’s theory underpins all relationships. Understanding relationships from a new angle gave Johnson a valuable and useful way of understanding how they function and how they break down.

Being on the clinical side gave Johnson the tools to articulate a theory and a way to test it. Also being a therapist she took her theory into the field and tested it on real couples having real attachment problems. Before long Johnson understood the hidden language behind disputes and began to teach couples how to have conversations with one another.

The result is this fine book that is part theory, part teaching tool and part self help book. Anyone can read it and get a very good idea of how to improve their relationship or teach couples how to talk to one another in a way that heals instead of inflames. Hold Me Tight is nicely organized around seven types of conversations that couples can have that will build trust and attachment between them. Couples can use this book as a guide to learn how to talk to one another and by mastering the steps. Beyond couples, parents and children and friends will find knowing how to have these conversations useful to maintaining the health of their relationships.

If you prefer to learn Hold Me Tight conversations experientially, Sue Johnson teaches her methodology to therapists and certifies them. There are now hundreds of therapists in North America who are trained to help couples learn how to talk and listen to each other. You can find a certified therapist or a training program near you at Hold Met Tight. I learned a lot from this book that I will put into practice with all my relationships. This is a book that everyone will benefit from reading.

Time to Give Yourself a Report Card?

New Year’s eve is the time when most of us typically make resolutions to better our life. For the vast majority, resolutions last a couple days at best. There are no quick fixes. Looking over the year ahead we see the benefits of our resolutions. We see our health improved over the long term but by the time January 1 rolls around we have to deal with the short term pain of refusing another donut. I propose a more effective way of resolving the conundrum of short term pain versus long term gain. Give yourself a report card.

A report card is taking time to step back and look at the big picture of your life, your goals, habits and intentions. This takes objectivity and it might take some time to get good at it. Identify your goals first. Your goals should be general enough to deal with any changes in your life. For instance, rather than having the goal of keeping in touch with friends and family, broaden it to something like nurturing relationships. Make sure your list of goals is as comprehensive as possible.

Once you have your goals, write a list of all your habits under headings of good, bad and neutral. You can get a spouse or a friend to help you with this. If you are impartial you probably will begin to see clusters of habits. For instance many of my bad habits tend to cluster around isolating myself in colder weather. I tend to disengage and many of my bad habits revolve around doing things in seclusion. I spend more time on the Internet, I play too much Majong, I’m not as social as I would like, I don’t exercise as much, I tend to drink a little more, I tend to have less structure, I get less accomplished, I challenge myself less and generally mope around some days. This can lead to lower energy, feeling sad and empty. I see all these bad habits as connected, like a spider web. Losing one of these habits won’t effect the over all pattern, in fact changing just one habit would be extremely difficult.

I focus on my good habits as well. There is a lot I do well that I want to continue. Have a look at your list of bad habits. Are some of them are connected to each other? Now have a look at your goals. I have goals around maintaining my health, being social, challenging myself, nurturing relationships, supporting myself, learning and travel that my bad habits undermine. None of my bad habits support these goals. I gave these habits a poor grade because they reduce my quality of life. It’s not how I want to live. More importantly, these habits affect my mood and outlook. The result? There is a disconnect between my intentions and what I actually do. What we actually do is what determines our quality of life. It’s clear that way of living required a tune up.

After the shock wore off I came up with a plan of action. Looking at the web of habits from a holistic perspective I see that they circle around boredom and a lack of challenge. I realized if I could break the cycle I would free up time, feel better about myself, be more engaged, challenged and happier. So I wrote a new list of things I could fill my time up with that are in line with my goals. How many of us have a list of things we would love to do if we only had the time? I started writing them down and was surprised to see how long it was. Each item on the list engages one or several goals and gives me the opportunity to break my cycle of bad habits.

Since bad habits are usually well entrenched, how do we break the cycle? One thing I did was to create a new intention—to break out of isolation. To do that I had to plan my time better so I didn’t have so much time to drift into laziness and malaise. I circled some of the items on my to do list and began to fit them into my spare time. I looked into volunteering, downloaded the schedule for the local pool, called up some old friends, signed up for some workshops, and since one of my goals is to write more, I’m writing this post.

My report card was a wake up call for me. It’s not so much about using my time wisely or keeping myself busy, it’s about living the life I want to live. It’s about living with intention. The report card and what you do about it is where the rubber hits the road. I still need solitary time when I can read, write, reflect and even waste a bit of time browsing the Internet. I just do it with a little more intention and choice.

If I notice I am sliding into seclusion again, which may well happen from time to time, I will self correct. I’m hoping that I get momentum going that makes those bad habits difficult to practice. I already feel my mood shifting, I feel more engaged and even happier. Go easy on yourself. Habits take a long time to shift. If you notice yourself engaged in one, do a quick check in to see if there is something your would rather be doing. There is no point in waiting until December 31.